Category Archives: politics

Business syphilis

Colbert explains the bailout.

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More on the theory of historical relativity

Just as it was difficult for a lot of people to accept the discovery that spacetime is curved, it is difficult for some people to accept the scientific report of my previous post. To assist in this regard, I will take questions.

Q: What about the legions of facts that substantiate al Qaeda’s culpability in the September 11 attacks? Haven’t numerous intelligence agencies inside and outside of the United States documented reams of evidence that all establish the conclusion that al Qaeda planned and organized the attacks beyond any reasonable doubt? Hasn’t Osama bin Laden himself on repeat occasion claimed responsibility for the attacks of that day? Are you telling me that these facts, too, can turn on or off depending on one’s position in spacetime?

A: Yes. That is the power–dare I say the majesty–of the theory. It traverses chains of factuality backwards into history as far as it needs to.

Q: According to that poll, 43% of Egyptians report that Israel was behind the September 11 attacks. Why on earth would Israel mastermind a plan to destroy American cities and murder thousands of Americans?  Doesn’t the United States supply Israel with billions of dollars in foreign aid, military technology, warm good will, etc?

A: The correct question is not “why on earth” but “where on earth”. 43% is very roughly half of Egypt. So in half of Egypt, let’s say north of Cairo, it may be a fact that the United States has been sending Israel billions of dollars in foreign aid, but south of Cairo, the United States has actually been sending them billions of forced subscriptions to magazines published by American Media, Inc.

Q: Did the Holocaust really happen?

A: Are you standing in or out of Tehran?

Q: Have we been able to map out the complete factuality patterns of any historical statements?

A: We have been able to determine that the statement “George W. Bush won the 2000 United States Presidential election” is a historical fact across most of the mainland, but is less likely to be a fact when you are in close proximity to either the east or west coast. The factuality pattern of this historical statement apparently has something to do with oceanic coastlines, although we are not sure why.

Q: I think you’re making all this up!

A: The factuality pattern of the statement “Den of Hydralisks made all this up” is as yet unknown.

Q: What practical applications of this science can we look forward to once we fully comprehend the laws governing it?

A: I’m planning on going some place where it is fact that I once ruled the entire world, personally. I’m curious to see how much damage I did.

Educational site of the day

Anyone looking for excellent reading material should stroll over to The Heretical Press Directory, a repository of writings by Simon Sheppard and his pals. Just click on a random essay and start reading! Amusement–and enlightenment–is all but guaranteed.

Georgia: It’s really quite simple

The clearest, sharpest commentary on the Georgia situation is surely coming from one of the great publications of our time. Yes, I’m speaking of Pravda.

World Opinion Favors Russia – Winning the Media War

Even Americans are saying, “Thank you Russia for standing up to the crackpots in control of our government.”…

…Their all too numerous outlets are pummeling the world community with distortions, trying to shove the castor oil of the empire down our collective throats, but the gag reflex is well intact and their lies remain unpalatable.

Condoleeza Rice, What is Wrong With You?

Are you hysterical or what? Having a difficult menopause? How many times do we have to tell you, Russia calls the shots these days. So keep your hysterical whining to yourself and stop reiterating the same thing time and time again. Russia will withdraw from Georgia when it sees fit. And if it doesn’t see fit, it won’t. Russian troops will move around Georgia for as long as they like. As and when they like. As and when they choose.

Is Condoleeza Rice stupid?

OK her boss is, we all know that and that’s why nobody pays any attention to what he says or if they do, it is to have a good laugh at how such an imbecile could supposedly rule the roost in Washington (when everyone knows it is Cheney and his energy and arms lobbies). So Bush gets a discount, like the uncle that farts at family dinners, like the retarded nephew who belches swearwords after his third litre of Coke, like the simpleton that sits outside the church on Sundays begging for money informing everyone that he is an astronaut on Thursday afternoons.

Bush, Cheney and Rice; Hitler, Himmler and Goebbels

With what moral authority do these mainstays of the neoconservative, corporate elitist, greedy, self-interested Washington regime speak, when in their own closet there are skeletons labelled Abu Ghraib, Iraq, Guantanamo, mass murder, war crimes, illegal invasion, torture, illegal detention, disrespect for international law, denial of due process, rape…?

Up until now you might not have known what to think about Georgia. It might have seemed like a complicated affair, like there could be two sides to what’s going on, or that you might have to study the issue further, when in fact all you need to know to be educated on this episode of history in the making is that Bush is an uncle that farts at family dinners, Cheney is a rapist, and Condoleeza Rice is having a difficult menopause.

That should clear up that. Now back to cheering for our Olympic heroes.

Uh-uh. Nope. Too late. You can’t say that

I’m tired of all these people in or working closely with the military speaking their minds on military matters. Get a load of this guy:

The war continues to abate in Iraq. Violence is still present, but, of course, Iraq was a relatively violent place long before Coalition forces moved in. I would go so far as to say that barring any major and unexpected developments (like an Israeli air strike on Iran and the retaliations that would follow), a fair-minded person could say with reasonable certainty that the war has ended.

Hold on here. Didn’t a certain US senator already declare failure in Iraq? Wasn’t the declaration made over a year ago? Is Michael Yon even paying attention to things??

Message to Michael Yon: Once in awhile you should step away from the field where the action is actually taken place and into the far rear echelons of politics back home,  where facts and first-hand observations can’t get in the way of popular memes and biases, and if you had done so you might have been able to learn that the war has long since been over, dood. We LOST it by congressional fiat.

Also worth stating is that while the senator who declared the surge in Iraq a failure received some criticism for doing so, the pronouncement was, if anything, too late. The proper time to declare a war effort a failure should be the moment when the first American body bag is filled. That’s how you teach our enemies not to mess.

Will you be my friend? Tackling the problem of (un)popularity

Friends. Everyone needs them. No one understands our need for friends more than the people who we need as friends, as one former US ambassador explains.

You wrote a commentary in Britain’s Guardian newspaper in which you suggested that Europeans and the rest of the world should let the Americans know who they want for US president. Can world public opinion and the global media really influence the US elections?

They have already influenced the elections very strongly, by voicing concern over the way the [Bush administration] has conducted itself in the past eight years. You look at all the polls. America’s standing in the world had never ever been so low. These figures have registered everywhere in the United States. I hear this again and again from Americans — “our standing in the world is so low” — and that in turn has influenced American public opinion of the Bush administration’s policies.

Kornblum grasps what many of his fellow Yankees are perhaps just beginning to–that the right to elect a President of the United States ought to be, along with freedom of speech, free medical care, and habeas corpus, a universal right for all citizens of the world.

But are we acting too late? Can we regain the trust of the world by correcting this one injustice, or is a more extreme measure required lest our image becomes unsalvageable? The percentage of people around the world who view American influence favorably has risen slightly above the percentage who view North Korea favorably, but has not surpassed an abyssmal 35%. With numbers like that, Pig-pen has better chances of being invited to the ball.

Back when world opinion polls revealed that China is more popular than the United States, I fear we may have missed a golden opportunity…to become like China. Granted, our inexperience in central economic planning, our abnormal distaste of government persecution of religion, our reluctance to engage in activities like harvesting organs from unwilling subjects, and our total lack of imagination in the area of law enforcement are obstacles that would have to be overcome, but I am sure that with a positive “can-do” attitude that America is supposed to be famous for, we could adapt. At any rate, I think it is accurate to say that the United States would have an easier time adapting to Chinese-style rule of law than Iraq is having adapting to Western-style democracy.

There is another option I have not seen discussed, and it seems glaringly obvious once you think of it. A certain geographically close neighbor exists, the citizens of which hold a continually sinking opinion of the United States, and who can be assumed to be winning many friends, lovers, acquaintances, invitations to balls, etc. Yes, I’m speaking of Canada.

Should the United States apply to become a province of Canada?

It’s a hard question for many Americans to consider. I think we would find on balance many advantages of such an arrangement. Most importantly, world opinion of the United States, not to mention Canadian opinion of the United States, would surely improve by leaps and bounds. The idea is worth examination.

Trolley dilemmas Part 2

A number of variations to the trolley problem exist, but they are all trivially easy.

“What happens if, on one of the trolley tracks, the President of the United States has been tied by terrorists, and on the other trolley tracks, five average citizens are also tied up. As in the original trolley problem, who should you save?”

Depends on if she’s Democrat or Republican.

“What if the trolley is headed towards five average people you’ve never met but on the other tracks is your mother?” “Do you flip the switch and save five or save your mother?”

Same as above.

“What happens if, on the tracks of one trolley, five men guilty of murder are tied, and on the other, one man is innocent. Should you choose to save the one man, simply because he has committed no crime?”

Depends on if the criminals are registered to vote Democrat or Republican.

These aren’t challenging at all, are they? Let’s mix it up a bit.

Michael Moore & the trolley

You are late for the trolley that takes you to work every day when you spot Michael Moore sitting on the edge of the bridge eating a triple-decker sandwich. If you were to push him off the bridge he would delay the trolley, allowing you to make it to work on time, but the sandwich would probably be lost. What should you do?

Dick Cheney & the trolley

You are Dick Cheney and you are out hunting when you catch sight of a runaway trolley hurtling down a track towards five al-Qaeda suspects. The path of the trolley is about to be diverted, however, by a mainstream news journalist who sympathizes with terrorists. When the journalist flips a switch, the lives of the five al-Qaeda suspects will be saved and the trolley will instead run over a poodle. You have a clear shot at the journalist. There is only your hunting companion, a 78-year-old attorney, standing in the line of fire. In order to shoot the journalist you must fire a shot through the attorney as well. What should you do?

Dick Cheney, his lesbian daughter & the trolley

You are Dick Cheney and your daughter is a lesbian. Other than this extra complication, the scenario is the same as the above. What should you do?

Brother Joseph, Brother Brigham & the trolley

Brother Joseph and Brother Brigham are riding in a stagecoach when they spot a runaway trolley hurtling down a track towards five Sisters not married to Brother Joseph or Brother Brigham. Brother Joseph has 30 wives. Brother Brigham has 31. Who marries the five Sisters?

George W & the trolley

You are George W and you are reading The Pet Goat to some schoolchildren when a runaway trolley crashes into three thousand people. How long do you keep reading??

Chuck Norris & the trolley

You are Chuck Norris and you sight a runaway trolley hurtling down a track where it will kill five innocent people. Beside you is a switch which will divert the trolley to another track where it will kill five different innocent people. It is impossible to save everyone. Do you save everyone, or do you beat up all the bad guys first?

Jimmy Carter & the trolley

You are former President Jimmy Carter and a runaway trolley is hurtling down a track where it will kill five people. You could flip a switch to divert the trolley to a track where it will kill only one person. Who is best qualified to open up negotiations with the trolley, you, former President Jimmy Carter, or someone else who doesn’t understand the peace process as well as you, former President Jimmy Carter?