The Den loves Pacifism!
It is an indisputable fact that if somebody hits you and you respond by hitting back, you have prolonged the exchange of violence beyond the point it would have otherwise reached had you simply allowed the guy without resistance to clobber you, rob you of your possessions, force you into slavery, and rape your wife and children. If you hit him back, he is going to hit you again, and then you are going to hit him again, and who then can claim the moral high ground? Surely there is nothing to be gained from fighting. There is nothing in this world ever worth fighting for. Certainly not freedom, democracy, rule of law, liberal values such as freedom of speech and equal rights, humanism, secularism, scientific progress, civilization itself, or any other overrated ideas which were so easy for our species to arrive at that we practically came up with them all overnight. And we can come up with them again.
The Den loves Multiculturalism!
By which the Den means, of course, that it loves Cultural Relativism. What gives us the right to criticize any other culture anyway? Haven’t we got problems of our own? How can we be concerned with failed states in the Middle East when our own state is a failure? (Look how high gas prices are!) How can we condemn the economic policies pursued in Zimbabwe when more and more American jobs are going overseas? How can we be concerned about massive state-sponsored famine in North Korea when the rich in this country are getting richer? How can we criticize Sharia Law for authorizing wife/wives be beaten by the husband they are legally, involuntarily wedded to when only 13% of the US Congress is female? How can we even be thinking about the hundreds of thousands dying in African genocides when we are losing the War on Christmas?
The Den loves Conspiracy Theories!
The Den is firmly convinced that if a claim is difficult to substantiate, it must be true, because the difficulty in substantiating it is itself a fact too strange to be a coincidence–and probably a sinister one. The Den especially loves theories that involve Jews, neocons, staged landings on celestial bodies, and assassinations of prominent persons by individuals who appear to have acted alone but are in fact tiny threads in a giant messy yarnball of intrigue. Stephen Hawking can waste his time looking for a unified field theory. The Den is more interested in a unified conspiracy theory–one theory that ties all conspiratorial forces in the universe, from the Knights Templar to the Trilateral Commission to the 9/11 Commission, together into one grand explanation of everything bad that happens.
The Den loves Religion!
Some might wonder how in the age we’re living in anyone can believe in things like angelic visitations or virgin births, but with faith all things are possible! Faith is a wonderful invention which the Den enthusiastically endorses. Be proud of your faith, cling to your faith, hide behind your faith, reach for your faith whenever you are tempted to think a matter out for yourself–remembering that temptation comes from the Devil–because there is no argument, discourse, or rational thought which cannot be defeated by an appeal to it. Pretty cool, huh?
The Den loves Emotionalism!
Like faith, emotionalism is a powerful mechanism which triumphs over all evil. I have not encountered a single fact or rational thought that cannot be conveniently pushed aside by a sufficiently strong emotional desire for it to be otherwise. The Den firmly feels that one’s emotional biases should never be questioned. Whatever you are predisposed to believe, whatever your friends told you, whatever your parents taught you, whatever makes you feel safe and comfortable, this is where your emotional allegiances should lie. If everyone were to do this, no one would ever argue with another because no one would be amenable to having his mind changed. Minds, in fact, would become irrelevant. Feel how blissful the world would be!