More on the theory of historical relativity

Just as it was difficult for a lot of people to accept the discovery that spacetime is curved, it is difficult for some people to accept the scientific report of my previous post. To assist in this regard, I will take questions.

Q: What about the legions of facts that substantiate al Qaeda’s culpability in the September 11 attacks? Haven’t numerous intelligence agencies inside and outside of the United States documented reams of evidence that all establish the conclusion that al Qaeda planned and organized the attacks beyond any reasonable doubt? Hasn’t Osama bin Laden himself on repeat occasion claimed responsibility for the attacks of that day? Are you telling me that these facts, too, can turn on or off depending on one’s position in spacetime?

A: Yes. That is the power–dare I say the majesty–of the theory. It traverses chains of factuality backwards into history as far as it needs to.

Q: According to that poll, 43% of Egyptians report that Israel was behind the September 11 attacks. Why on earth would Israel mastermind a plan to destroy American cities and murder thousands of Americans?  Doesn’t the United States supply Israel with billions of dollars in foreign aid, military technology, warm good will, etc?

A: The correct question is not “why on earth” but “where on earth”. 43% is very roughly half of Egypt. So in half of Egypt, let’s say north of Cairo, it may be a fact that the United States has been sending Israel billions of dollars in foreign aid, but south of Cairo, the United States has actually been sending them billions of forced subscriptions to magazines published by American Media, Inc.

Q: Did the Holocaust really happen?

A: Are you standing in or out of Tehran?

Q: Have we been able to map out the complete factuality patterns of any historical statements?

A: We have been able to determine that the statement “George W. Bush won the 2000 United States Presidential election” is a historical fact across most of the mainland, but is less likely to be a fact when you are in close proximity to either the east or west coast. The factuality pattern of this historical statement apparently has something to do with oceanic coastlines, although we are not sure why.

Q: I think you’re making all this up!

A: The factuality pattern of the statement “Den of Hydralisks made all this up” is as yet unknown.

Q: What practical applications of this science can we look forward to once we fully comprehend the laws governing it?

A: I’m planning on going some place where it is fact that I once ruled the entire world, personally. I’m curious to see how much damage I did.

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4 responses to “More on the theory of historical relativity

  1. Thanks for clearing up my confusion!

  2. What about a place in the world where the factuality of your theory is falsified? Do the rules still hold true for other facts there? xD

  3. Er…tricky one. Lemme see if a can come up with a Cosmological Constant to resolve that.

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