I’m writing the screenplay for a Park Chan-wook film. The name of the film will be Sympathy for Korean Audiences. Here’s what I got so far.
A man and a woman side by side are staring directly ahead at the camera. Their faces are without expression. Hold the shot for a full minute.
With the camera farther away, show the man and woman sitting on a bench. Hold the shot for a full minute.
The woman turns slowly to the man. She says, “Just one. It’s what you said, right?” (or some such line which explains nothing) The man does not reply.
The woman continues to look at the man. Hold the shot for a full minute.
The woman gets up and walks off camera. The man does not move. Hold the shot for a full minute.
The man slowly turns his head in the direction where the woman went. Hold the shot for a full minute.
(Pretty good so far, eh? Here’s the next scene)
Show a side view of a young man and an old man facing each other in a deserted parking lot.
The old man quotes a line from The Count of Monte Cristo. (note to self: read The Count of Monte Cristo (or at least enough to find a quotable line))
The old man hands a small box to the young man. The young man simply stares at it. Hold the shot for a full minute.
He continues to stare at it. Hold the shot for a full minute.
The young man takes the box.
Show the young man’s face. He might be frowning. Hold the shot for a full minute.
Show the old man’s face. He might be smiling. Hold the shot for a full minute.
Show a shot of something irrelevant in the area, such as a telephone pole. Hold the shot for a full minute.
(Now, for no particular reason, we’re going go back to finish the previous scene. We could have finished it before since only 10 seconds were left, but we chose not to. Don’t ask us why)
Show the woman looking directly ahead, with the man still sitting on the bench behind her. The woman is looking at something off camera, but nobody knows what.
The man stands up.
The woman abruptly collapses.
(So as to maximize confusion, we will return to finish the other scene. People are sure gonna talk about this film!)
Show the young man and old man standing slightly apart. Do something fancy with the camera such as rotating 360° around the two of them.
(We’ll insert a sex scene here which adds nothing to the plot before moving on…)
Show a corpse’s eye view of a woman looking down at us.
The woman extends a high-heeled boot. We hear the sound of a groan.
Now change to a long-distance shot. The woman is kicking a body lying on the floor of an apartment. In the background the curtains are drawn and it is clear outside.
Show a letter opener lying on a desk. A hand grabs it.
Show the woman make a stabbing motion.
Show the bloody letter opener.
This is coming along quite well, don’t you think? Still need to add the following things:
– At least ten more speaking lines, most of which will go to minor characters
– At least one more torture scene (note to self: be creative!)
– At least one scene with gratuitous nudity
– At least one plot development so manipulative that suspension of disbelief is irreparably damaged
– At least one character must do something shockingly violent to himself, such as saw off his own toes with a hacksaw
– In the ending, which will be very very tragic, the protagonist in his grief will bury his head in a bucket of shaving cream
Boy is this movie gonna own. I bet even Quentin Tarantino will want to see it!
edit: actually, this could just as well be a Beat Takeshi film, huh?