Christmas movie plots

It’s time for Hollywood to get jealous that an ordinary doof like myself came up with these and doesn’t intend to share them, at least not for free:

The Santa Connection

Comedy. A secret agent must disguise himself as Santa and win over the kids in a suburban home in order to diffuse a bomb and foil terrorists. A typical gag will be how he tries to keep the kids from hurting themselves with laser-emitting candy cane gadgets they playfully pull from his bag. Robin Williams will be the secret agent.

Jesus Project X

Action. Having unraveled the science behind the miracles performed by Jesus, scientists develop a device that can heal blindness, deafness, and leprosy. But a certain dark organization calling themselves ‘The Pharisees” steals the device and kidnaps the chief scientist. It’s up to a single retired law enforcement officer to solve the mystery. Not sure yet who I want to star in this, but I think I want him to be black.

It Happened Beneath the Mistletoe

Romance. It will star Sandra Bullock and it will last a full two hours, which will be two hours longer than most male viewers will like. Since they’ll all be coerced into watching with their girlfriends I’m not worried in the slightest that profits might not outstrip production costs.

The Wreath

Horror. Teenagers pass around a Christmas music box with a curse–anyone who listens to the music box will die in exactly 12 days of Christmas.

Disney’s The Last Reindeer

Animation. It will totally suck compared to Bambi (and that’s compared to Bambi!), but nobody can remember Bambi so I’m sure it will do just fine.

While Shepherds Watch

A crime murder drama thing or something. Haven’t worked out more than that but I’m sure it will be a box office smash if I can just get the right cast.

The Nutcracker

No idea what happens in this one, but I want Eddie Murphy to star in it.

Well that should be enough to get Hollywood lapping at my tail. They may beg me, bribe me, intimidate me, conspire not to nominate me for Oscars, but I won’t let them have these gems. NEVER! Ohohohoho!

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3 responses to “Christmas movie plots

  1. “A secret agent must disguise himself as Santa and win over the kids in a suburban home in order to diffuse a bomb and foil terrorists.”

    Haha, why has no one thought of this before! The perfect holiday film.

  2. It is because not just any dude can think up a plot that clever, Roland. If it were otherwise, the market would be flooded with lame movies with simple plots that any doof sitting in front of his computer in his pajamas could have banged out!

  3. “the market would be flooded with lame movies with simple plots”

    Of course we know that isn’t the way it is now…

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