It’s time for Hollywood to get jealous that an ordinary doof like myself came up with these and doesn’t intend to share them, at least not for free:
The Santa Connection
Comedy. A secret agent must disguise himself as Santa and win over the kids in a suburban home in order to diffuse a bomb and foil terrorists. A typical gag will be how he tries to keep the kids from hurting themselves with laser-emitting candy cane gadgets they playfully pull from his bag. Robin Williams will be the secret agent.
Jesus Project X
Action. Having unraveled the science behind the miracles performed by Jesus, scientists develop a device that can heal blindness, deafness, and leprosy. But a certain dark organization calling themselves ‘The Pharisees” steals the device and kidnaps the chief scientist. It’s up to a single retired law enforcement officer to solve the mystery. Not sure yet who I want to star in this, but I think I want him to be black.
It Happened Beneath the Mistletoe
Romance. It will star Sandra Bullock and it will last a full two hours, which will be two hours longer than most male viewers will like. Since they’ll all be coerced into watching with their girlfriends I’m not worried in the slightest that profits might not outstrip production costs.
Horror. Teenagers pass around a Christmas music box with a curse–anyone who listens to the music box will die in exactly 12 days of Christmas.
Disney’s The Last Reindeer
Animation. It will totally suck compared to Bambi (and that’s compared to Bambi!), but nobody can remember Bambi so I’m sure it will do just fine.
While Shepherds Watch
A crime murder drama thing or something. Haven’t worked out more than that but I’m sure it will be a box office smash if I can just get the right cast.
No idea what happens in this one, but I want Eddie Murphy to star in it.
Well that should be enough to get Hollywood lapping at my tail. They may beg me, bribe me, intimidate me, conspire not to nominate me for Oscars, but I won’t let them have these gems. NEVER! Ohohohoho!