Assault on the family


And now, my fellow primates, I must bring to your attention some disturbing reports. No, I do not speak of another bamboo shortage. Ample bamboo is expected this season so you needn’t itch your hairy rumps on that score. It is a far weightier topic that I feel constrained to warn you of today.

There are some out there who, fancying themselves open-minded, have fallen prey in their minds to perilous notions. Deceived in their own pomposity, or perhaps not knowing any better, they have gotten in their heads that these ideas picked up from dark, liberal sources we shall not speak of here, are the correct way to “think”, are “rational”, or “enlighted”, and that they ought to be implemented in our society. If allowed to succeed, these progressive trouble-mongers would bring down the most fundamental of our institutions. Yes, I’m speaking about the harem.

The family unit you and I were raised in, as we all know, consists of but one male and between two to thirty females for him to mate with as he pleases. This traditional social structure has not only served our species well for centuries upon centuries, it is also damn sexy.


My fellow knuckle-walkers, we are not like a certain distant relative of ours who goes around wearing other dead animals on its body, polluting the environment with “popular” music, building extravagant skyscrapers, constructing extravagant airplanes, destroying its own extravagant skyscrapers with extravagant hijacked airplanes, watching Days Of Our Lives reruns, and engaging in inter-species violence on a continental scale. This relative of ours, widely monogamous (except for in various predominantly Arab regions), may share 97% of our DNA, but this does not excuse us becoming like them.

My fellow turd-chuckers, we are animals. We are not men. We must not act like men (except for those living in various predominantly Arab regions).

The liberals will have you believe that a family with one man and one woman only is perfectly acceptable. “What harm does it do?”, they will ask. As if one woman to screw with could ever compare to having thirty!


One man and a couple dozen or so women is the only right union for a gorilla. It is the only natural union for a gorilla. If any of you are entertaining any inclinations to be faithful to one mate only, I urge you to repent and purge such dangerous ideas from your heart. Hoard your women. Hoard more women. Challenge and threaten male neighbors so that you can steal from their harems. The gorilla society did not get where it is today by following anything other than this time-tested pattern.


7 responses to “Assault on the family

  1. Wow, what does someone say in response to this? I’m not sure if you’re making some metaphorical social commentary or just being silly. My guess is that it’s 10% the former and 90% the latter.

  2. I sense that 3% of Zugman’s DNA does not match ours. Am I right? (yeah, 10/90 sounds about right)

  3. Hmpf. I thought this post was a serious social commentary written by a radical Mormon who just finished reading “In Polygamy Country, Old Divisions Are Fading” and “Boys Cast Out by Polygamists Find Help”.

  4. “Boys Cast Out by Polygamists Find Help”.

    Get multiple wives or get to wear short-sleeve shirts? Tough decision for any kid.

  5. We should give apes the vote. I doubt we will regret it…

  6. Yes, Roland, we should! But first we should poll them to make sure they’re gonna vote our way.

  7. Apes would totally vote for the Prohibition Party. I have conducted a test sample.

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