The Matchmaking Manifesto

Face it, most people are ugly. The result of an uneven distribution of good looks, or good personality for that matter, across the social landscape is that most people end up frustrated, lonely, miserable. They end up alienated.

Think of all the people you know who can never find their true love because all the hot dates are going to either Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie. (in the year 2005, dates between either one of those two with another member of the sexually attractive elite accounted for 25% of all dates nationwide) And among those who do manage to settle down with someone, disappointment will claim the better part of these relationships; it is statistically manifest that most relationships do not last.

The free market of romantic attraction does a *horrible* job of making people happy in relationships — this is an indisputable fact. All of this will change when the revolution begins.

It was necessary for an unregulated economy of social hooking-up to precede this next phase in history which we will soon see. A centrally-planned system of matchmaking will put an end to the suffering that inevitably results from an uncontrolled market of sexual attraction. All romance will be regulated by the dating proletariat themselves, and each person assigned a romantic partner according to his needs. This may require that some of the more attractive people be assigned as partners to people they would otherwise not choose, but everyone will be happier in the end, you will see.

With the means of attraction removed from the control of the reigning bourgeoisie of good-looking gals and dudes, the class society we now live under, in which some people have an easier time finding love than others, will be abolished, and we will have entered the final phase in history. No longer will Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie be allowed to exploit the rest of us!

Oh, there is one more thing.

In order to facilitate the coming of this revolution, it may be necessary to break a few eggs. Yes, I mean that all persons now involved in a romantic relationship will have to be separated. All existing couples will have to be split. All existing marriages will have to be broken up. This will all be for the best, you will see.

edit: changed the title


5 responses to “The Matchmaking Manifesto

  1. Is this “A Modest Proposal” for the 21st century? I have to say, I don’t at all feel oppressed by the dating bourgeoisie – if all the self-absorbed, hot actors take all the self-absorbed, hot actresses, that’s totally fine with me. As for centralized romance, call me a fence-sitting impediment to revolution, but I think that free choice, although technically not as efficient as calculated pairings (in theory, at least), nevertheless is a critical component of happy, fulfilling relationships. Sorry Mr. Swift!

  2. The revolution is coming. It is hopeless to try to oppose it. You would do well to get involved yourself so that you don’t end up against the wall.

    And let me tell you another thing. All will be equal under the new system. Of course. However, if you can manage to get yourself on the Council of Matchmaking Commissars, you may find that you are one of the few who are more equal than others, and will have first pick of all the hottest babes.

    But don’t even think about trying for Chairman–that position will be mine–or you may wake up one morning with an ice axe in your skull 🙂

  3. ♫ people like us, we don’t want freedom – we meow meow meow meow – we just want someone to love ♫

  4. Talking Heads will be the first thing abolished after the revolution. In fact, all pop music will be abolished. Music is a component of the means of attraction and thus must come under the control of the dictatorship of the dating proletariat.

  5. This is unfair to those of us that are attractive, socially skilled, intelligent, magnanimous, hip, sensitive, brave, clean, and reverent.

    I’ll not stand for this uprising!

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